1
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:37,880
Wakey, wakey, Malcolm.

2
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,600
Come on, sleepyhead.

3
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,500
Oh, you're asking more. I could come in
in five hours' time. We've got to get

4
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,300
the room ship -saved for her.

5
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,380
Malcolm, I'm not playing that game
today.

6
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:56,880
I've no time.

7
00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:02,100
What's that doing there again?

8
00:01:04,170 --> 00:01:06,310
Shall we go on the coach now, won't you,
ma 'am?

9
00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:08,710
Well, it's a long way from Dumfries.

10
00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:14,350
Remember when we went up there and saw
that man in the kilt? Oh, he was a true

11
00:01:14,350 --> 00:01:18,290
Scot. Playing bagpipes outside Marks and
Spencer's, wasn't he? They're

12
00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:20,310
beautiful, the Scots, aren't they?

13
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:23,470
Do you remember those identical twin
thingies, Scot?

14
00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:24,830
Oh, yeah.

15
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:31,490
When you go, will you send me a letter
from America?

16
00:01:32,730 --> 00:01:34,970
When you go... Stop it, Malcolm.

17
00:01:36,150 --> 00:01:41,890
Remember my identical twin, ma 'am? Oh,
yes, that imaginary one.

18
00:01:42,130 --> 00:01:46,050
He was naughty, wasn't he, ma 'am? Yeah,
had to give his imaginary legs a good

19
00:01:46,050 --> 00:01:47,050
few slaps.

20
00:01:47,450 --> 00:01:50,410
Now, will you be all right on that couch
for a few nights?

21
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:51,809
Oh, yeah.

22
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:55,730
None of your shenanigans putting your
Pocahontas video on when we're asleep,

23
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:57,030
Tricky Dicky.

24
00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:01,280
You can take that Chris Evans poster
down. I don't think she wants that

25
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,800
mink to go off in her too while she's
trying to sleep.

26
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,158
Right.

27
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,340
Ooh, there's still a bit of a pong of
feet in here.

28
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:12,100
Luckily, she's got her finances right.

29
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,040
Come on, chop -chop.

30
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,300
Where'd you go?

31
00:02:26,470 --> 00:02:31,270
Will you send me a letter from America?

32
00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:38,930
Well, she's getting the 9 .30 coach and
it's a five -hour journey, so what time

33
00:02:38,930 --> 00:02:40,170
do you reckon she'll get here, Malcolm?

34
00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:42,510
I haven't got a clue.

35
00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:46,430
We did contemplate going to meet her
because she'll have quite a few heavy

36
00:02:46,510 --> 00:02:50,210
but we decided against it. What happened
to that idea, Malcolm?

37
00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:51,810
You said it was too chilly, Mum.

38
00:02:52,050 --> 00:02:53,050
Oh, yes.

39
00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:54,330
All right.

40
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,420
I don't know, eh?

41
00:02:57,020 --> 00:03:02,060
I haven't seen Morag since... When did I
see her last?

42
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,040
You've never met her, Arthur.

43
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,520
Oh, you're thinking of Mr Merton, Sister
Jean.

44
00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:10,060
Jean? Oh, I don't know, eh?

45
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:12,200
Have I met her?

46
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,680
Yes. Remember, she's got an oversized
head.

47
00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:17,000
Oh, yes.

48
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:21,480
Malcolm, don't breathe too much near
that glue.

49
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,820
How's your boil, Malcolm?

50
00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:27,740
Oh, it's... It came to a head and burst
halfway through Hollyoaks.

51
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,300
Hollyoaks? Oh, I don't know, eh?

52
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,560
Oh, you'll like Moorag, Arthur.

53
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:39,180
Oh, she's lovable, she's full of fun,
she's kind to a fault. She's exactly

54
00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:40,180
me.

55
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,180
Now, she's here for five days, so we
were thinking of bringing her up your

56
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:47,680
allotment tomorrow and Wednesday and
maybe Friday morning.

57
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:49,800
Oh, I'm going to see Peggy Gosworth
tomorrow.

58
00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:52,620
She's got some of those new dimmer
switches fitted.

59
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:53,900
Dimmer?

60
00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:57,640
That'll be her Gordon's influence.

61
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,800
She won't know what dimmer switches are,
Peggy.

62
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:02,760
What are they, Arthur?

63
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,040
I don't know.

64
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,520
I'm going seeing tomorrow.

65
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,600
You and Morag want to come?

66
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:08,960
Oh, yes.

67
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,580
Oh, that would be lovely.

68
00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:14,180
Can I come, ma 'am? Yes, of course you
can, Malcolm.

69
00:04:14,580 --> 00:04:17,240
I'll ring your boss in the morning and
wangle you the day off.

70
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:19,720
Tremendous!

71
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:22,800
Would you like a lemon finger, Arthur?

72
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,840
I've not invested in buying biscuits
this week.

73
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,160
Morag always brings a tin of shortbread.

74
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,940
Do you like shortbread, Arthur?

75
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,940
No. Do you, Malcolm?

76
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,020
No. Neither do I.

77
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,520
They do last, though.

78
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,500
I like these lemon fingers.

79
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:40,960
Oh, so do I.

80
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,140
Do you like lemon fingers, Malcolm?

81
00:04:43,420 --> 00:04:45,500
Yeah. I wish you'd bring lemon fingers.

82
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:46,820
So do I.

83
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,820
So do I. So do I.

84
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:53,220
Mum, do you think Auntie Morag would
like to go and see that new Thornton's

85
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:54,780
chocolate shop in the precinct?

86
00:04:55,140 --> 00:04:56,540
Good thinking, Malcolm.

87
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,060
Oh, she's in for a right treat, this
visit.

88
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:03,500
Oh, we are lucky when you think really,
Arthur.

89
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:08,340
There's not much to see and do in
Heaton, are we? I must confess, we were

90
00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:09,340
stiff in Scotland.

91
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:12,780
There's only locks, a couple of
mountains and a load of shortbread.

92
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,500
I don't like shortbread.

93
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,040
Neither do I.

94
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,360
Oh, neither do I.

95
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:18,680
Neither do I.

96
00:05:21,770 --> 00:05:23,870
It's OK if I pop up to see Mr Merton.

97
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,190
I brought him a quarter of a pair of
drops.

98
00:05:26,690 --> 00:05:28,250
Oh, you are good, Arthur.

99
00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:32,390
We've still got three of those minty
imperials you bought him last week left.

100
00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:33,650
Two, ma 'am.

101
00:05:34,110 --> 00:05:36,730
Malcolm. Oh, you're a caution.

102
00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:41,050
Mind you, you've probably done him a
favour. They were wearing him out, those

103
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:42,050
minty imperials.

104
00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:44,830
Oh, he did look drawn, sucking on them,
Arthur.

105
00:05:45,450 --> 00:05:46,670
How's his breathing today?

106
00:05:47,010 --> 00:05:51,210
Well, he's... Still gasping. If you
remember when you pop up, can you put

107
00:05:51,210 --> 00:05:56,490
oxygen machine on for him? I was
supposed to do it two hours ago, but

108
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,170
coming, I've not had time to think.

109
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:06,250
So are you popping up, Arthur?

110
00:06:06,770 --> 00:06:07,770
Yes.

111
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:12,990
As if you want to show.

112
00:06:13,980 --> 00:06:18,680
Just let me know and I'll sing in your
ear again.

113
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:26,560
Now the drugs don't work, they just make
you worse, but I know I'll see

114
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,140
your face again.

115
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,720
What do you think?

116
00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:49,940
Yeah.

117
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,400
Is it better?

118
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,680
Yeah. You don't know what I've done, do
you?

119
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,120
No, Mum.

120
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:02,920
Well, the little doggie was there. I put
the little doggie there. The vase was

121
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,260
there, now the vase is there.

122
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,880
Yeah. Yeah?

123
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,520
Do you want to see it the other way with
the little doggie there?

124
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,640
And the vase there?

125
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,420
Yes. Yeah.

126
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:21,650
Is that better?

127
00:07:21,830 --> 00:07:23,070
Yeah. Are you sure?

128
00:07:23,730 --> 00:07:24,730
I don't know.

129
00:07:24,850 --> 00:07:27,650
Oh, you've no interest in my ornaments,
you.

130
00:07:28,210 --> 00:07:32,150
Pop upstairs and put that jumper on
Auntie Mora. I bought you before she

131
00:07:32,150 --> 00:07:33,290
here. Right.

132
00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:44,890
Now... And turn your dad over for me,

133
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:45,930
Pet.

134
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:16,340
Never get here.

135
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:17,640
Where's wee Malcolm?

136
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,100
Oh, Malcolm.

137
00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:20,660
Oh, Malcolm.

138
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:26,180
Oh, auntie. Oh, come and give your
auntie Monica a great big kiss.

139
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,460
Oh, your cheeky little face never
changes.

140
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,120
How you've grown since Christmas.

141
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,280
Oh, Maura, you're looking well.

142
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:41,539
No, I'm not, Dorothy. You're looking
well. Me? No, I'm not. You're looking

143
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,340
No, you're looking really well.

144
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,800
Oh, it makes mine look like a shed.

145
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,520
Have over. Your home's like a palace.

146
00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:51,820
No, it's not.

147
00:08:51,980 --> 00:08:53,480
Your home's like a palace.

148
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:57,480
Mine's like a shed compared to your
palace. I'll take your coat, Auntie

149
00:08:58,260 --> 00:08:59,600
Oh, that's a lovely coat.

150
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:01,520
Oh, your dress is lovely.

151
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,020
Your cardigan's lovely.

152
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,560
Oh, your slippers are lovely.

153
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,480
Oh, Morag, come and sit down.

154
00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:07,740
Come on.

155
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,780
Oh, it's lovely to have you here.

156
00:09:11,820 --> 00:09:18,280
Oh, you've got a great house. A great...
and you're looking so well. You're so

157
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,520
lucky. Yes.

158
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,520
How's Mr. Martin?

159
00:09:21,740 --> 00:09:22,740
Not so lucky.

160
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,140
Would you like me to climb the stairs
and see him? Oh, no.

161
00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:28,520
You're here all week. What's the rush?

162
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,060
He's not going to go anywhere.

163
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,060
Oh. How's it getting on with the oxygen
machine?

164
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:37,440
Well, I'm being as economical with it as
I can, but it's a dear do -breathing

165
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,240
apparatus. Sometimes I'm sorry I
bothered getting it.

166
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,500
Anyway, how was your journey?

167
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:47,720
Oh, these coach companies, I want to
sort myself out. There were four toilet

168
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,360
stops, but I only needed to go two
times.

169
00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:52,640
Oh, they do mess you about.

170
00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,160
Oh, wee Malcolm.

171
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:58,920
When are you going to come up and visit
your favourite auntie?

172
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,720
We can't get time off work.

173
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,279
I can?

174
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,560
No, you can't, Malcolm.

175
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,840
Anyway, enough chit -chat.

176
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:08,420
Who's died round your way, Morag?

177
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:14,760
Well... Ted, in front of a one -bar
fast...

178
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,400
Oh, 76 you are.

179
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:19,600
That's terrible.

180
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,220
Do you know what? This place looks
really different since I was here last

181
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,560
Christmas. Really?

182
00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:31,520
Did that wee doggy not used to be there
and the little wee vase not used to be

183
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:35,460
there? Yes, what I've done is I've put
the little doggy where the little vase

184
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,560
used to be and I've put the little vase
where the little doggy used to be.

185
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,800
Do you like it?

186
00:10:40,270 --> 00:10:42,410
It really looks so much better.

187
00:10:42,870 --> 00:10:44,630
Here's your tea, lovely ladies.

188
00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:48,570
Oh, that is what I found to Malcolm.

189
00:10:49,070 --> 00:10:52,430
Always becoming a right hodling, Morag.
Thank you.

190
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:54,910
Thank you, Morag. Oh,

191
00:10:57,930 --> 00:11:02,530
yeah, good to bring that big tin of
shortbread, Morag. What a lovely

192
00:11:03,190 --> 00:11:04,810
I hate the stuff myself.

193
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:10,520
Thanks for my absolutely belting
slippers, Auntie Morag. Are they OK?

194
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,720
Tremendous.

195
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,540
Hey, have you heard anything about that
monster in Loch Ness?

196
00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:18,800
Are you talking about the Loch Ness
monster?

197
00:11:19,260 --> 00:11:20,260
Yeah.

198
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:27,280
Aye. There was a man from Inverness
called Hamish McPhee, and one summer

199
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:33,860
really late, he was out walking his
Scotty dog along the side of the loch.

200
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:34,860
Ness? Aye.

201
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:42,440
Oh, the moon was high in the sky and
there was a mist rolling over the glen.

202
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,300
lone viper could be heard playing in the
distance.

203
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:52,360
All of a sudden, a huge grey head with
huge grey teeth

204
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,880
braced itself out of the loch. The loch
this monster?

205
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:57,920
Nay.

206
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,940
Oh, we never heard about that on the
news.

207
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:04,440
Well, you won't again. I just made it up
for Malcolm.

208
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:09,500
Blimey, Charlie, you're getting me with
that one every year.

209
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:13,740
Anyway, how's Scotland doing politically
-wise now, Maura?

210
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,260
Fair, Mr Midland.

211
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,780
Are you having a millennium in Scotland,
do you know?

212
00:12:17,980 --> 00:12:18,980
I think so.

213
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,760
Is it going to be at the same time as it
is down here?

214
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,360
They never tell the residents.

215
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:25,720
We'll be the last ones to know.

216
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,320
Malcolm's organising a street conga.

217
00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:32,480
How many people have we got now,
Malcolm?

218
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:33,820
Three, ma 'am.

219
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,560
It's me, you and Arthur, isn't it?

220
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:40,000
Yeah. Oh, it involves a lot of
organisational skills.

221
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,340
Have you heard back from Mr Malick yet?

222
00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:44,620
Yeah, he's got to ask Mrs Malick.

223
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,780
Oh. What are you going to be doing,
Morag?

224
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,960
Well, I suppose I'll stop up and see a
tin I've never seen in a millennium

225
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:56,060
before. But I expect I'll be on my own,
as ever.

226
00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,380
Oh, why don't we invite you down here?

227
00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:02,980
Is there going to be room on the conga,
Malcolm?

228
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,280
Don't know yet, ma 'am. I'm no nearer
the time.

229
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,000
I hate to think of you on your own.

230
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,740
Isn't it funny? Out of the two of us,
I'm the only one who's ever married.

231
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,280
I mean, Mr Merton is neither used nor
ornament now, but at least I know he's

232
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,340
there for me, albeit upstairs
motionless.

233
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,020
I've often thought I'd like a bit of
romance in my life.

234
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,220
Yes, I am blessed.

235
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:34,680
Malcolm, pop up and dab a bit of TCP on
your dad's bed sores for me. Right, Mum.

236
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,000
It's a full -time job, this romance,
Morag.

237
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,920
How's the water? Is it soft in your
corns at all?

238
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:46,220
No.

239
00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:55,440
Has she finished unpacking?

240
00:13:55,740 --> 00:13:58,400
Yeah, she's just having a five -minute
nap before tea.

241
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,980
It's funny, ma 'am, how in Scotland, wee
means small.

242
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,120
But in England... That's enough,
Malcolm.

243
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:10,160
Stop lolloping. You can put those
shortbread back in the tin. We'll give

244
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,300
someone else for Christmas.

245
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,020
Poor Maura.

246
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,680
She's never had much luck with men.

247
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:25,500
No. Remember that fishmongering
Kilmarnock man that left her? Aw.

248
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:28,400
She was heartbroken when she got his
letter.

249
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,680
Mind you, he had thoughtfully enclosed a
couple of crab sticks to lessen the

250
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:33,629
blow.

251
00:14:33,630 --> 00:14:37,030
I love Auntie Morag, me mum. Oh, she's a
beautiful woman.

252
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,870
Sad little on the inside.

253
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:45,370
No doubt about it. God bless me with the
good looks and Morag with a foot full

254
00:14:45,370 --> 00:14:46,370
of corn.

255
00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:50,990
Oh, Malcolm, did you manage to catch a
glimpse of that callus on her big toe?

256
00:14:52,610 --> 00:14:55,250
Do you know what she needs?

257
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:58,490
A romantic fling with an eligible
bachelor.

258
00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:01,570
Someone with charm and sophistication.

259
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,020
Oh, Malcolm, I've had an idea.

260
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,600
I don't know, eh?

261
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,880
Well, it's been a long time since I was
invited round to anyone for dinner.

262
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,300
I was in two minds whether to defrost
the chop this morning.

263
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:32,750
Luckily... I lined up a fray bentus pie.

264
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:34,890
That's why I keep them.

265
00:15:35,050 --> 00:15:38,170
Because if you have to dash off at the
last moment prior to cooking, there's no

266
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,009
harm done.

267
00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:40,690
That's what I like about you, Arthur.

268
00:15:41,370 --> 00:15:42,710
You always think ahead.

269
00:15:43,090 --> 00:15:44,250
That's my army training.

270
00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:45,930
I have many a tin pie in the army.

271
00:15:46,210 --> 00:15:48,510
What was it like during the war, Mr
Capstick?

272
00:15:49,910 --> 00:15:53,630
Now, if I remember correctly, we were
fighting the Germans.

273
00:15:54,490 --> 00:15:57,650
And I believe they had tin frankfurters,
which is a type of sausage.

274
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,300
Arthur's always regaling Malcolm with
tales of his military background.

275
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:08,140
Are you a fan of tin pies, Moorag? I
really don't mind tin pie.

276
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:11,200
Oh, haven't you two got a lot in common?

277
00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:13,760
Oh, I love it when my dinner guests get
on.

278
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,340
This is absolutely wonderful.

279
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:17,380
What exactly is it?

280
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,640
It's melon, Arthur.

281
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,080
Don't like melon.

282
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,280
Put a bit of port in it.

283
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:24,060
I like the port.

284
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,880
I think I'm a bit drunk.

285
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,080
Stop it, Malcolm.

286
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:33,060
You really must give me the recipe for
melon, Dorothy.

287
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,180
Yes, I'll write it down for you.

288
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,440
Oh, hang on, what's that?

289
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,200
Oh, it's OK. It's only Mr Merton trying
to change it up to the cylinder.

290
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:45,780
Can I go up?

291
00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:47,080
No, stay put.

292
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,420
You'll have to learn we can't always be
at his beck and call.

293
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,600
Oh, Arthur the Saint, you know, Morag.

294
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:57,900
Not a week goes by where he doesn't come
round with something for Mr Merton to

295
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:58,900
suck on.

296
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,160
Arthur's been widowed 22 years now.

297
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:05,660
Oh,

298
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,440
are you still single, Morag? Aye.

299
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,660
He treated his wife, Betty, like a
princess when she was still alive.

300
00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:14,720
I'll never forget the day I buried her.

301
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,579
More blue none, Arthur?

302
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:19,000
Oh, blue none, yes.

303
00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:28,660
What was I saying?

304
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,160
We were talking about how you're widowed
and how Morag's still single.

305
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:46,040
I've put you in the Millennium Conger,
Mr Capstick. That's confirmed.

306
00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:49,560
Are we having a conga? Yes, you've
already agreed to come, Arthur.

307
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:55,540
It's me, then Malcolm, then Morag, then
you. That is subject to change, though.

308
00:17:55,870 --> 00:17:57,050
I'll know nearer the time.

309
00:17:57,270 --> 00:17:58,189
When's that?

310
00:17:58,190 --> 00:17:59,410
The millennium, Arthur.

311
00:18:00,590 --> 00:18:03,730
Somebody told me that was falling on New
Year's Eve. Yes.

312
00:18:04,070 --> 00:18:05,410
Well, that's bad planning.

313
00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:07,850
We'll all be busy celebrating New Year.

314
00:18:08,230 --> 00:18:09,430
Good point, Arthur.

315
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,850
Right, are we all finished?

316
00:18:13,330 --> 00:18:16,710
Yeah. Right, come on, Malcolm. Help me
take the plate.

317
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,680
Conger? I don't know, eh?

318
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,860
Malcolm, give it a bit of shush.

319
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:46,340
You're doing all the talking.

320
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:47,760
Hogging the conversation.

321
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,480
Sorry, ma 'am. We need to let the
romance flourish.

322
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:56,080
Eh? That was a stroker look, wasn't it?
Them both liking frail bentos pies.

323
00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:57,279
Oh, yeah.

324
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,120
Try and get the conversation back to
that.

325
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,160
I'll go and have a look and see how
they're getting on.

326
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,000
Well, Cam, come away from there.

327
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:09,980
How's it going?

328
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,260
He's showing her that photo of his dead
wife.

329
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:16,400
Oh, it's one step forward and one step
back.

330
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,840
He's not crying again, is he? No.

331
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,740
Right, come on, let's get in there
quick.

332
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,080
It's OK, he's put the photo back now.

333
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:25,560
He's more like talking.

334
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,700
No, it's still Mr Capstick.

335
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,640
Come on, all these plates are falling.

336
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,560
Now, both more ag up.

337
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,280
Let him see the woman in her.

338
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,960
Right. And get your thumb out of
Arthur's mash.

339
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:43,660
She just turns the switch, apparently,
and the light goes brighter and darker.

340
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,100
Not as you might think, on and off.

341
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:48,780
Thank you, Malcolm.

342
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:57,520
Now... Well, you two seem to be getting
on like a house on fire.

343
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,360
Oh, it looks gorgeous.

344
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,580
Well... This is very nice, isn't it?

345
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:05,280
All of it, here, together.

346
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,600
What do you think, Malcolm?

347
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,900
I like your feminine blows, Auntie
Morag.

348
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,000
Oh, thanks, Malcolm.

349
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,600
What do you think, Arthur?

350
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,960
Outstanding. Lovely bit of breast.

351
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,540
I do like chicken.

352
00:20:23,540 --> 00:20:24,620
Are they my brussels?

353
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:26,060
Oh, yeah.

354
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,080
What do you think, Morag?

355
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,820
You'll get your first glimpse of
Arthur's allotment tomorrow.

356
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:32,300
Are you excited?

357
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:37,280
OK. Nothing like better than the sight
of a row of healthy, ungrown vegetables.

358
00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:40,000
Oh, Arthur's the Alan Titchmarsh of
eating, Harry.

359
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:41,760
Aren't you, Arthur? Oh, yes.

360
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,200
Do I know him?

361
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:47,960
Yes. You've seen him on TV loads of
times.

362
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,600
Remember, he didn't agree with his
treatment at Darius.

363
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:52,480
The match of a foon.

364
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,340
Any thoughts from you, Maura, Alan
Titchmarsh -wise?

365
00:20:56,910 --> 00:20:58,610
I don't think he's allowed on Scottish
TV.

366
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,410
Oh, it sounds lovely up there.

367
00:21:03,550 --> 00:21:05,290
Have you ever been to Scotland, Arthur?

368
00:21:05,750 --> 00:21:07,190
Were they on our side during the war?

369
00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:11,530
I've heard that in Scotland there's only
locks, a couple of mountains and a load

370
00:21:11,530 --> 00:21:12,530
of shortbread.

371
00:21:16,630 --> 00:21:20,390
Malcolm, have you got any conversation
you want to talk about?

372
00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:25,530
How much are them Ferbentos pies, Mr
Capstick?

373
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,500
Well, I haven't a clue.

374
00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:47,260
Any ideas, Morag?

375
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,040
Oh, no.

376
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,540
Malcolm? No.

377
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,840
We give in, Arthur. What is it?

378
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,080
It's the First World War.

379
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,080
That's not a film, a book or a play.

380
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,440
No.

381
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,280
You've never played charades before,
Arthur, have you?

382
00:22:05,620 --> 00:22:06,620
No.

383
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:12,000
Well, you have to act out the title of a
film, a book or a play, and then we

384
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,040
guess. Right.

385
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:14,940
Do you want to have another go at it,
Arthur?

386
00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:16,260
Yeah.

387
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:25,600
Is it a film, a book or a play?

388
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:26,920
Yeah.

389
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:28,780
How many words?

390
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:30,520
There's no words. I'm miming.

391
00:22:37,870 --> 00:22:38,870
Is it Sallow Grave?

392
00:22:39,290 --> 00:22:40,290
No.

393
00:22:40,690 --> 00:22:41,690
The Great Escape?

394
00:22:42,250 --> 00:22:43,250
No.

395
00:22:43,590 --> 00:22:45,630
Oh, we're giving, Arthur. What is it?

396
00:22:46,170 --> 00:22:47,630
It's me digging my lot.

397
00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:49,270
Sit down, Arthur.

398
00:22:49,630 --> 00:22:50,810
Now, can you have a go?

399
00:22:55,410 --> 00:22:56,410
Film.

400
00:22:57,690 --> 00:22:58,750
And a song.

401
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:04,530
Er... Forrest Gump!

402
00:23:05,230 --> 00:23:07,010
No, I've not started yet, ma 'am.

403
00:23:08,170 --> 00:23:11,110
One, two, three, four, five, six words.

404
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,390
Six words.

405
00:23:13,730 --> 00:23:15,270
Third word. Third word.

406
00:23:16,970 --> 00:23:22,190
One flew over the cuckoo's nest. No.

407
00:23:22,630 --> 00:23:23,790
The elephant man.

408
00:23:24,050 --> 00:23:25,050
No.

409
00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:26,670
Is it me?

410
00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:27,990
No.

411
00:23:29,090 --> 00:23:30,090
Man.

412
00:23:31,570 --> 00:23:33,830
Oh, very good, Marag.

413
00:23:34,230 --> 00:23:36,230
Seven's are good at this game, isn't
she, Arthur?

414
00:23:36,590 --> 00:23:38,130
Yeah. Fourth word.

415
00:23:38,390 --> 00:23:39,390
Fourth word.

416
00:23:41,290 --> 00:23:43,990
That's me again, isn't it? I've got a
bad ticker. No.

417
00:23:44,310 --> 00:23:47,330
Arthur, this has nothing to do with you.
It's not you.

418
00:23:50,990 --> 00:23:51,990
Is it my jumper?

419
00:23:53,270 --> 00:23:54,950
No. I know.

420
00:23:59,030 --> 00:24:01,510
Oh, Mark, I hate it when he does this.

421
00:24:02,330 --> 00:24:04,790
Banned him from doing it in his box room
to himself.

422
00:24:08,330 --> 00:24:09,330
I know, I know.

423
00:24:12,690 --> 00:24:13,690
John Inman.

424
00:24:13,910 --> 00:24:14,910
No.

425
00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:16,970
I'm doing loves.

426
00:24:18,670 --> 00:24:19,830
Where am I?

427
00:24:20,810 --> 00:24:24,850
When a man loves a... Sixth word. Sixth
word.

428
00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:29,690
Spinster. No.

429
00:24:30,310 --> 00:24:31,470
The nun story.

430
00:24:32,090 --> 00:24:33,090
No.

431
00:24:33,310 --> 00:24:34,610
Hunchback of Notre Dame.

432
00:24:38,250 --> 00:24:39,970
It's more ag, isn't it? No.

433
00:24:40,470 --> 00:24:41,369
We're giving.

434
00:24:41,370 --> 00:24:42,370
What is it?

435
00:24:43,030 --> 00:24:45,870
Woman. I'm doing When a Man Loves a
Woman.

436
00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:47,930
Oh, I love that film.

437
00:24:48,230 --> 00:24:49,750
Well done me, Malcolm.

438
00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:51,950
Oh, it's brought it all back.

439
00:24:52,370 --> 00:24:55,830
Oh, Malcolm, do another one, but make it
easier. And don't do that thing where

440
00:24:55,830 --> 00:24:57,050
you're kissing with yourself.

441
00:24:59,570 --> 00:25:00,570
Film.

442
00:25:01,690 --> 00:25:02,690
Four words.

443
00:25:02,810 --> 00:25:03,810
Four words.

444
00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:06,610
It's one of my cabbages.

445
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:20,259
to be the Brussels.

446
00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:21,460
They have the same effect on me.

447
00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:23,220
Malcolm, don't be so filthy.

448
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,540
I'm doing on with the wind.

449
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,040
Oh, very good, Malcolm.

450
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:31,840
Yeah,

451
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:33,420
very good.

452
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,180
Oh, Malcolm, I am sorry. I thought you
were tramping willy -nilly.

453
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,780
I did do a little one, though, Mum.

454
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,860
Get up and sit on the toilet.

455
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,860
Well, I think it all went very well.

456
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,780
Such a charmer old Arthur, isn't he?

457
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:54,380
Do you not think he's a wee bit
forgetful?

458
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,540
Arthur? No.

459
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,800
Well, maybe a little.

460
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,040
Oh, that was a lovely wee photo of his
wife on the back of that tandem.

461
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,300
He's never ridden that tandem since.

462
00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:07,840
And I think he's waiting for the right
partner.

463
00:26:08,460 --> 00:26:11,700
Well, I must say, Dorothy, you cook a
lovely chicken.

464
00:26:12,060 --> 00:26:13,220
Oh, no.

465
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:15,560
You cook a lovely chicken.

466
00:26:16,110 --> 00:26:20,330
My chicken's like a dog's dinner
compared to your chicken. Oh, no, my

467
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:23,950
like dog's doings compared to your
chicken. Oh, no, your chicken tastes

468
00:26:23,950 --> 00:26:28,670
turkey, with all the trimmings compared
to my chicken. Well, you make a great

469
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,670
apple pie.

470
00:26:29,950 --> 00:26:34,890
Oh! Actually, yes, it is. You're right,
then, I do make a great apple pie. I'm

471
00:26:34,890 --> 00:26:37,610
blessed. They were Arthur's families as
well.

472
00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:42,990
Now, look, you leave that drying up.

473
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,520
And you get in there and you have a
scintillating conversation with Arthur.

474
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:50,280
Dorothy, are you trying to push me and
Arthur together?

475
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,900
Yes. Me and Arthur.

476
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,560
Arthur and me.

477
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,180
Well, why not?

478
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:04,080
Yes, you're right. I've been too long
the bridesmaid and never the bride. And

479
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,420
you'll not find better than Arthur.

480
00:27:05,740 --> 00:27:09,540
Oh, he's a knight in shining armour. Oh,
he's going to be my knight tonight.

481
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,440
You can't hurry, love.

482
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:24,540
Never mind.

483
00:27:25,860 --> 00:27:27,820
Cocoa and a lemon puff, Morag.

484
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,240
Oh, I do hope Malcolm will be all right
on that couch.

485
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,540
He's getting too big now to sleep with
his auntie, Morag.

486
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,880
She was all squashed last year.

487
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:56,180
Oh, I forgot your breathing apparatus
again. Never mind. I'll do it first

488
00:27:56,180 --> 00:27:59,120
in the morning, after I've been to the
allotment.

489
00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:04,880
Good night, Mr Merton.